Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Halloween in July in Which I Announce the Kelleywood Halloween Theme 2010!

It's already July and that time of the year when the bone melting heat reminds me that Halloween is just around the corner. Here's the deal: Stores are not nearly as dedicated to Halloween as they are to Christmas, so it bee hooves one to get ready early and to POUNCE on the good stuff the minute it hits the store shelves, or in in my case EBay.

Last year, I took a tumble down the porch steps in my magic witch boots. I landed at the foot of the stairs in front of a group of startled trick-or-treaters. Bravely I cried-out to the Bulldog: "I'm O.K., I'm O.K. Pass out the candy." (It still makes me tear-up a little when I think about how courageous I was -- with no thought for myself, thinking only of the little trick-or-treaters staring down at the fifty-something woman laying in a witchy heap at their feet with confused and startled expressions on their painted faces which seemed to say: "Is this supposed to be a part of Halloween?" Caring nothing for myself -- only that Halloween must go on -- I bravely ignored my own pain -- and I am at that age where breaking a hip is becoming a serious concern -- I thought only of the children and their need for candy!!!) At that moment I swore I was getting too old for this crap and next year it was a t-shirt and jeans por moi. But the minute the Fourth of July comes to an end, it hits me: Now what? HALLOWEEN!!!! Joy, joy, joy. Goodie, goodie gumdrop!!!! Then I take it upon myself to dazzle the neighborhood once again.

Last year the weather so cruelly did not cooperate and it rained so much I was more concerned about boring grown-up shit like the basement flooding, than getting Halloween crap out. Two weeks before Halloween, there was still no sign of Halloween at Kelleywood. Neighbors started to come by to ask when I was going to put my stuff up. In these days of economic downturn they depended upon me to bring a little joy du jour to the humble hood. I realized I could not disappoint them. Then near tragedy occurred when the garage got hit by lightening and knocked the power out to the front porch. I had to get electricians out stat (as they say on the hospital shows) to repair everything just two weeks before the big day. For awhile it seemed as if the lights would be out in Kelleywood for Halloween. A team of electricians (O.K., a guy named Jose from "Mr. Sparky") came out to restore electricity to the front yard at Kelleywood. Still, it continued to rain. I couldn't put out most of my electrical stuff because the ground was so saturated. Fortunately, due to my genius for planning ahead, I had acquired a spooktacular Halloween airblown which alone could dazzle any neighborhood (Provided it was not entirely populated by gay men. That sort of goes without saying, doesn't it?): A horse drawn pumpkin hearse, with lights,and a skeleton which cried: "Ha.Ha.Ha. You're next!!!". It was a huge hit. I saved Halloween once again.

Now Halloween 2010 is almost upon us. Every year it is the same two problems: Budgetary restraints and topping last year's display. I paid way to much for the airblown-that-saved-Halloween to not use it in this year's display. How could I possibly incorporate my last year's Halloween motif into this year's razzle-dazzle? I needed a theme. (I'm from Florida, after all, we do LOVE a theme.) So, after not nearly enough fanfare given its fabulousity, the Kelleywood Halloween Theme 2010 is ZOMBIE PROM!!! I ask you: What theme could be more perfect in a town famous for having been used as a film set for the movie "Zombieland"? AND what could fulfill my adolescent need for glamour and adulation better, while being a rocking back drop for trick-or-treaters than making MYSELF ZOMBIE PROM QUEEN??? Best of all: It requires a tiara!!! That's right: Suddenly I realized that there was no need to be elected prom queen. I could just throw my own prom and make MYSELF prom queen!!! Hot damn! Halloween is starting to look downright cathartic. All that adolescent angst swept away by a bloody axe in the head and a tiara. I'm even thinking of developing a software program where you can take your old high school year book and make yourself president of every club and queen of every prom. Say "Bye-Bye" to teen trauma and rewrite your youth.

Oh yes, I am certainly on to something FABULOUS!!! Stay tuned to "Joannafesto" for updates on "Zombie Prom 2010"!!!

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