Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Youth Is Overrated

Old lady ...

There is an entire industry, probably several if you want to get right down to it, dedicated to making people feel like crap about getting old. As an official member of AARP and the over-fifty gang I would like to say this: Youth is overrated. Somebody needed to say it and today that someone is ME!

O.K., "stuff" on my body has fallen and it doesn't seem to want to get back up. My health isn't all that great and that sort of sucks. The older generation is passing away and it is sad. But being young wasn't all that swell either. Everyone keeps telling me it is downhill from here. When I used to go bicycling as a kid I always LIKED going downhill, so maybe downhill isn't so bad. Here are a few things about getting old that are pretty cool:

1. Older people have more money. Sure, you can't fit into the stuff you wanted to buy when you were twenty and couldn't afford, but big whoop. Have you taken a gander at pictures of stylish people of the 1980's? A lot of them look pretty damned ridiculous so consider yourself fortunate you did not blow your money on such stupidity. Plus, when you are old you need the money because you should have "people" to do as much for you as possible.

2. Older people can terrorize younger people. This can be a lot of fun when you are out shopping and you feel the need to command a little servitude. I try to be careful about not getting too carried away with this one (because I could), but damn it is fun! Watching fresh-faced youth scramble to do your bidding is just so fulfilling. When I was in my twenties and got cranky with somebody, I was being snotty or had PMS, now they take me seriously. Who knew that age would equal authority? Oh, yes, this ROCKS!

3. You can give up trying to be cool. Middle-age people who try to be cool are just sad. They are the guys with hair implants and Ed Hardy t-shirt thinking they are still thin because instead of buying jeans that fit, they just plunk the beer belly over the top of their pants. Those Housewives of Whatever on T.V. who have been tanned, lifted and botoxed look embalmed and are not fooling anybody about their age. There isn't that much you can do about aging that doesn't look sort of pitiful, so just put on some stretchy pants, comfortable shoes and go terrorize some young people. You'll feel better. I promise.

4. The child-bearing years are OVER! O.K., I am NOT a big kiddie person, but I KNEW at the age of eight when they were telling me the facts of life, that women were getting the short-end-of-the-stick. Try as I may I could not find ANYTHING good about getting your period, much less having babies. Frankly, it seemed like a real rip-off and kind of unfair. The other little girls were all excited about getting their periods, having babies, and to me the whole thing just looked like a big old con job. I was right. Having a hysterectomy a few years ago was awesome. I HIGHLY recommend it.

5. I am so grateful that I have found my wonderful husband, and I hope I NEVER HAVE TO DATE AGAIN. That was a freak show. To any of you out there who are still dating, you have my deepest respect and sympathy. You will understand why.

Sure, I wish I could still fit into the size I wore back then. I wish I knew then what I now know -- but you couldn't pay me enough to relive my twenties. Getting old has a real down side, but it isn't all bad: You get those swell senior citizen discounts and there is a lot to be said for an Early Bird Special.


  1. I love this post. I esp. enjoyed the part about liking to go downhill. That is great. Downhill is sure a hell of a lot easier. Oh and I am rocking stretchy pants at this very moment : )

  2. I like #5. I agree, dating is a freak show. If anything happened to my husband, I'd die a lonely old hermitress.

  3. My dating low came when the guy I was going out with announced he was breaking-up with me because he was getting married to someone else. Apparently dating ME convinced him to marry HER. Swell.