Tuesday, April 5, 2011

What a Girl Wants (What We Really, Really Want)

Sex and the City
Ever since Adam and Eve took a bite out of the apple, men and women have spent an inordinate time trying to determine what it is that the opposite sex really wants. I can only speak for my half of the gender equation but part of the problem is that sometimes as women we don't even know what it is we really want. We are bombarded daily with a barrage of images, ideas, advertisements and experts telling us what our heart's desire is, or what should be, to the point of where the truth has been buried under a piled of last year's fashion. No wonder men are confused. We're confused, too. According to the media should want to be thinner, smarter, taller, shorter, smoother, blonder, darker, lighter, curlier, richer, more successful, younger and the list goes on and on and on until we don't know what the hell it is we really want ourselves. Until now -- because I have the answer. (You can thank me at the end of this article.)
Sex And The City

Before I divulge this life-altering truth, I must back-track a little while you prepare yourself for a revaluation that is going to rock your world. A couple years ago when the first "Sex And The City" movie was playing, I was visiting my parents in a small town in Illinois. Mom and I indulged in some feminine bonding, and decided to see "Sex and the City." We had to drive to another small town, several cornfields over, to the theatre showing "Sex And The City". What the theatre lacked in modern conveniences in size, it more than made-up for in price and atmosphere. When is the last time you loaded up on popcorn, drinks and tickets FOR TWO under $20? (Not to mention getting a look see at the fine collection of soda pop memorabilia in the lobby.) The seating was maybe one step above folding chairs, but the theatre was filled with women on an estrogen high anxiously awaiting the start of the ultimate chick-flick.

Sex And The City

Special note: For guys who have not seen this movie, I want you to go out and get the DVD NOW and pay close attention. This movie tackles the very important question of what it is exactly women want. Amid the breathtaking couture, the glamour of the big city, the hair, the jewelry, the SHOES, lies the answer to the question of what it is women really want. Although the disparity between the big city movie we were watching and the tiny town we were watching it in was abundant, we were soon to discover a universal truth. A collective gasp spontaneously erupted from the crowd, the likes of which I have never heard in a movie theatre big or small. It came when Big showed Carrie the special closet he built for her. Men may try an whole list of romantic gestures, but there is was: THE ULTIMATE way to her heart. Love and sex have their place, but what women really want is: A BIG-ASS CLOSET. There you go. One of life's secrets. (Aren't you happy you stopped by my blog today?).

Sex and the City Closet

Before we purchased the house we are currently in, the Army had us do one of those jump-through-your-ass moves that conveniently took place over the holidays. The whole house hunt was a blur of stairs, carpets, wood vs. vinyl, stainless steal, marble, granite and to be truthful, very little stands out about the houses we didn't purchase. There IS one thing I do recall though: The mother of all BIG-ASS CLOSETS. The house was all wrong, but I still envy that woman's closet. It was a thing of beauty. It's what we really, really want.


Friday, April 1, 2011

I Want to Be a Weeki Wachee Mermaid!!!!!

Weeki Wachee mermaid
The world has been an awful mess this past month. It wasn't doing really well before, but this month has been a doozy. As I impatiently await the Bulldog's return from the hell-hole he has currently been assigned my thoughts drift to my future move to Florida. There is the real Florida, and then there is the Florida-In-My-Mind (FIMM) which exists somewhere North of Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville and South of the Okefenokee Swamp, on the Gulf coast of Florida nowhere near last year's horrific oil spill, or the excesses of coastal over-development. FIMM is a happy place where the lifeguards don't care if you toss back an alcoholic beverage on the beach as long as you share.

Sarasota Beach Florida

It's a Florida I first turned my sophisticated twenty-something nose up at many long years ago. I was too deep, too artistic to appreciate the tiki-tacky charm of my soon to be native state. No mermaids for me, no waters-ski pyramids, no rides on glass-bottom boats either. Like so many twenty-somethings, I was a pretentious idiot.

Glass-Bottomed Boat, Silver Springs, Florida, c. 1960

There must be some myth that is a metaphorical match to my current state of affairs: Some soul doomed to troll EBay for all eternity in search of the ultimate Florida souvenir, having snubbed the ski-pyramid in her misguided youth.

Stars of Florida Water Ski Show

Then it occurs to me : I WANT TO BE A WEEKI WACHEE MERMAID!!!

Department of Homeland Security funds for the Weeki Wachee Mermaids?

I would be SO good!!! I could share my lunch with a fish and dazzle tourists from across the land.

Feeding Time - Weeki Wachee, Florida

Oh, the glamour of it all. Mermaids have even explored the MOON!!!


Who wouldn't want to be a Weeki Wachee Mermaid?